Anyone who knows me will know that I have really struggled with the idea of changing my name now I am a Mrs. I have gone into my settings on Facebook and typed in my new surname at least five times, but every time I go to click Save, I get a wobble in my tummy and I just can’t do it. It’s absolutely mad and I can’t explain how frustrated it is making me feel. What should I do? How can I make my mind up? I’ve spoken to a few people about what they think to try and help me make a decision. Here’s what they said and what I have decided to do!
My Mum
My Mum was one of the first people I asked – did she ever question the expectation that she would change her name to my Dad’s after they got married? Well, she said that it was a different time and nobody questioned it back then, it was just the done thing. But one thing she did say to me, that I keep turning back to, is that she will always be a Sunderland, even if that is not her legal name.
My Husband
Of course I had to speak to Andrew about how I was feeling. He, being the incredible fella he is, said that he totally understood. He would like me to be a Mason, of course, but he also said that he would be happy to double barrel our names too because he feels as much part of my family as I am his.
My Friends
What they said was kind of shocking to little old self-obsessed me, but exactly what I needed to hear: does anyone care? The answer is probably no. I am definitely the only person who really cares about what my name is. It’s important to me. I feel like I will lose my sense of self if I change my name. But what my friends were saying is that I won’t change in anyone else’s eyes. And that is kind of comforting.
So what should I do?
Through all of this to-ing and fro-ing I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no right answer. There is no SHOULD. There is just a WANT. What do I want to do? And the truth is, I want to have the same name as my husband. I want to have the same name as our future children. I want to feel like we are connected in a tight family unit.
Yes it kind of sucks that it’s his surname, not my surname that we will be taking on. But does that mean I’m letting down women all over the world by giving into patriarchal norms? No, that burden does not sit on my shoulders. I am no less interested in female equality because I have a different surname.
We could double barrel, but to be honest when you put our names together, you end up with a cumbersome, pretentious sounding name. And then what happens when our kids get married? Do they triple barrel?! And don’t even get me started on having to fill in forms with a name that long. It’s bad enough as it is!
If I sit here and really ask myself, will I change if I change my name, then the answer is no. I will still be me. If anything, it gives me the chance to approach 30 as a new woman, creating my future however I want to. And that thought is liberating, not restrictive.
So I’m off to Facebook to change my name with a spring in my step and an eye to what I want to achieve in the future. And in the back of my mind are my Mum’s words. I will always be a Westmoreland.
Have you gone through this? How do you feel about changing your name when you get married? What did you decide?
♥ JH
Yes Jen, I did say to my own mum that ‘I would always be a Sunderland’, and in my head I am both a Sunderland and a Westmoreland. Women have had to cope with this split sense of identity in our English culture for generations. Of course I wanted to have the same names as my children, and I’m glad we do. But it was hard to lose my birth surname.
These days, from my own anecdotal experience, I know that the double-barrelling of surnames is happening more when the parents are not married, than when they are. What seems to be happening a lot is that mum and dad don’t bother to marry, but they either give the baby Dad’s surname, or they double-barrel the two. So a double-barrelled name is shifting from being a badge of the aristocracy (as it was historically), to being a badge of illegitimacy. Something to think about as well.
However, I wish I had kept hold of my surname in some other way. I did talk about it to friends at the time, but we agreed that Sunderland-Westmoreland just sounded crackers! And you wouldn’t have welcomed having to sign that, would you? American women just shunt their maiden name up the line and have it as a second Christian name. Maybe I should have done that? Or maybe I should have gifted you my surname on your birth certificates, as a third first name? That’s the other thing I could have done, which I didn’t, and I think I probably regret that now.
No easy answers to this one, but hopefully all these comments you have received will be food for future thought.
Love always, Mum xxxx
I have absolutely loved reading everyone’s comments on this post, and my friends have even texted me about it as well! I have come to the decision for myself that I’d like to move my name into the middle and have an additional middle name. So my initials will be JHWM.
Interesting about the reasons for double barrelling changing! I didn’t know that was happening.
? JH
I went through *exactly* the same thing (and wrote about it after I got married too) https://honestlyhelen.com/2013/11/09/ooh-na-na-whats-my-name/ I always hated my maiden name until it was time to change it and it’s taken years and years to get used to it! I really is personal choice though and not as big a deal these days as it used to be!
I know exactly what you mean about thinking you’ll change as a person if you change your name. If I ever change my name, there’s only my brother left to carry the name on, I don’t want it to fade out!
I’m not married yet but if I do I won’t change my name. As a feminist and a historian it just doesn’t sit right with me. I like my name, it’s part of my personal identity. I would double barrell or something but I’m not just going to take his name. My kids have his name and it’s not a big deal us having different names, although I now wish I’d fought harder for them to have my name.
I’ve heard women who have different surnames to their children having trouble if travelling with them without the father! Something about child trafficking. Although I guess it must be getting much more common now. Have you ever had an issue?
? JH
We both double barrelled ours on Facebook etc but in real life we just have our old names. I
I’ve been married before and changed my name without thinking about it the first time. But life got messy and when I got divorced I didn’t want to be associated with my ex anymore so I changed back to Oliver. When I remarried I struggled as I didn’t want to give up the Oliver, so I’m now Oliver Dougall (without the hyphen) It causes problems for other people who can’t get my name right (which annoys me at times because they are being really careless when they should know better) but in circumstances where its a casual interaction (ie with the postman) I don’t care if they get it wrong. The other downside is that it takes ages to write it out, but I can do it pretty quickly now. The definite up side is that there are no other Kelly Oliver Dougall’s so when it comes to SEO, I’m at the top if you put in my name – great for my business IMO!
I have thought of dropping the Oliver but decided against it because I am unique and so is my name!
Love this – I think I am going to add my maiden name as a middle name!
? JH
I’m feeling this exact same way right now. In a few days time I lose the name that I grew up with, it links me to my family, and it feels like a part of my identity. The thought of losing it makes me feel so sad! I want the same name as my husband as I want us to be a proper team but I am kinda mourning the loss of Dawson this week!
I think it’s one of those things that no one really warns you about when you’re getting married. I’m very protective of my name and didn’t want to let it go! I’m wondering whether it could be a middle name but my surname is a bit long for that!
Good luck making your decision 🙂
? JH