Feeling Uncomfortable In Front Of The Camera

Well, this post is a bit of a ramble, so please forgive me, but I wanted to share how I’m feeling because I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one.

I worked really hard to lose weight before our wedding day. I felt strong, capable, lean and I looked good. I know I looked good. I put in so much effort and I was so dedicated – getting up at 5:30 am to train, even in the depths of winter – sometimes training twice a day. I ate only clean and lean food, drank super greens and three litres of water a day. My skin was never better.

Now it’s 18 months since we got married and I’ve put all that weight I lost back on. I tried to kid myself that it was only a stone and I could easily lose it, but to be totally honest it’s more like a stone and a half. I didn’t really notice it at first – my clothes all still fit, I’m still pretty strong and I’m still dragging myself out of bed at 5:30 am three times a week to go to the gym.

But I didn’t weigh myself all summer, because I knew I’d put weight on. I had been eating what I wanted, drinking lots of alcohol and generally just enjoying myself. Food is connected back to reward and happiness, it isn’t fuel. I’m totally addicted to sugar and eating chocolate or sweets pretty much every day. I’m bored of all the healthy food I was eating and carbs reign.

So when I finally submitted to being weighed a few weeks ago, I lost my shit. I cried to my husband, I cried at work, I beat myself up about it for days because, let’s face it, no one forced me to eat all that food, I did it all to myself. My friends told me I didn’t look any different to when I got married, but I know they’re just being nice. I recently saw a picture of myself from a blogging event and I’ve got that telltale second chin again.

I know there’s a whole body positive movement going on at the moment, and I totally embrace that for other people. Each to their own. Love the skin you’re in. But the fact is, I don’t know how to process how I’m feeling about my weight gain.

I LOVED being slimmer. I LOVED being 10 and a half stone. Does that make me shallow and narcissistic? I don’t think so. Do I associate being leaner with being happier? No, not always, because do you know what else makes me happy? Eating and drinking whatever I want, whenever I want.

I don’t know how to reconcile the two – I don’t know how to feel about myself when I want to eat whatever I want to eat, but I also want to maintain a size 10. Take this week for example, I am visiting a friend on Monday night and getting some food, date night with Andrew on Tuesday and blogging event on Wednesday. I know that none of those meals will be lean and mean, but should I just say no? I want to live my life. I want to have my cake and eat it (literally) but it feels like I’m asking for the world!

Just taking these pictures with Chloe felt weird. I didn’t feel like myself because I had got so used to feeling confident about my figure. So why are my decisions so skewed? Why am I eating all this sugar? I know I’m making bad decisions but I just can’t stop myself. “I’ll do better tomorrow” is my current life mantra. And I guess what I’m saying is it’s got to stop. It has to be today that I make healthier choices. If I truly want to feel good about myself, I have to reconnect to that feeling I loved before the wedding. It has to come from a place of happiness, not of struggle.

So that’s where I am and I’m really not enjoying it. While I’m here, any words of wisdom you can share are much appreciated because I feel stuck.

♥ JH

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