Last night I cried because I feel like my tiny baby Sebastian is leaving me. He’s clearly not actually going anywhere, but he is also going through a big stage of development that makes him more and more like a little boy than a little newborn. This is one of the hardest things I’ve found about motherhood – the relentless, and seemingly increasingly rapid, passage of time. I am desperate for Sebastian to develop, to grow, to achieve and to progress, but I am also desperately trying to cling on to my little boy who I love fiercely and live to protect. Last night, I just couldn’t reconcile the two.
Sebastian is eating food, he is breastfeeding less. He’s almost sitting up by himself, he’s almost rolling over by himself. He is getting too big for his bedside crib and will soon have to go into his own room. I think he’s almost ready. I am definitely not.
I don’t want to hold him back to satisfy my own emotional needs, but the constant change is a constant challenge. Just as you get settled into a routine, it changes.
Motherhood is forcing me to live more in the moment and I enjoy every day I get to spend with my beautiful baby. I am so grateful he is healthy and happy. Developmental changes mean growth and I really want Sebastian to catch up from being premature. But I also want to hold onto that little boy who is my little baby and is growing so very quickly.
Can we just pause time so I can drink it all in?